Not So Namaste


I recently started doing yoga.  I also recently stopped doing yoga.

I suck. Athletically, that is.  Sports, exercising, working out– I basically find anything that requires sneakers and a sports bra to be highly repellent.  Thankfully, I’m one of those people with a decent enough metabolism to keep myself cruising along at a fairly satisfactory weight, without ever doing too much dieting or working out (and by “too much” I mean none at all whatsoever).  Sure, I could benefit from some salad and crunches as much as the next lazyass, but I’m not totally unhappy with the way I look.

Still I know the whole “good metabolism” thing typically wears off sometime around your mid-thirties, so I figured I might as well start doing something about it now, before I become one of those moms telling people they’re “still trying to lose the baby weight”– as they cart their youngest off to the first day of middle school.

I chose yoga because it’s pretty low-impact and I’ve heard you get to nap afterward or something like that.  Meditation, napping, same difference. I’m also fairly flexible, so I thought that would help. I can really do a mean Indian-style.  Sorry, that’s wasn’t very PC of me.  I can do a mean “criss-cross apple sauce”. That’s right, criss-cross apple sauce. That’s what the preschools are calling it these days, folks.

So I started the yoga thing. I found a class, signed up, and started yoga-ing or whatever you call it. And it went great.  I downward-facing dogged. I upward-facing dogged. I planked.  I posed like a tree, a child, a bird, a warrior. You name it, I posed like it. I really kicked ass in there. I walked out of that yoga class like a freaking boss.

I guess it didn’t exactly hurt that the class was composed entirely of post-menopausal middle-aged women, but whatever.  They were all very nice and didn’t seem to mind my ass in their face. I didn’t mind theirs either.  The ass-in-face phenomenon is apparently unavoidable in a yoga class.

So I left there pretty psyched. I did way better than I thought I would, and I actually even kind of enjoyed it.  I could have done without all that incense-burning, inner-peace, namaste bullshit, but I guess that’s part of the whole experience.  Maybe it’ll grow on me.  Or maybe not. Either way, I was still a total yogi.

Well, I was a total yogi until I woke up two weeks later with back problems.

With the exception of that time I was carrying seven-pounds of human in my uterus (and 40 pounds of pizza and chocolate bars everywhere else), I’ve never had back pain in my life.

I aged like 15 years in two days.  I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t stand. I was hunched over. I was huffing and puffing around like my 93-year old grandfather when he gets all worked up looking for the remote to put on The Price is Right.  When I almost couldn’t reach the top shelf to grab a wine glass (had to wash all that Aleve down with something), I finally drew the line.  No more yoga for me.

I think I’m just not meant to do the whole exercise thing.  And it’s so damn unfair. Some people are so  awesome at it. Why can’t I be one of those people who get addicted to endorphins? Like those people who run five miles a day and literally enjoy it. I can’t even be a person who purchases a two-year gym membership and uses it for longer than a week (true story).

Addicted to endorphins, sheesh. Sure, I have a few addictions. Coffee,, Big Brother (the TV show, not the conspiracy). These are things I simply cannot live without. But endorphins? I’m not even sure what these “endorphin” things even feel like.  Is it anything like a percocet before the nausea sets in? Because if so, then I can see what all the addiction is about. And if so, then maybe I need to buy me a shiny new treadmill. But I’m guessing not.

I don’t know, maybe I threw in the workout towel too soon.  Maybe when I realized I could actually work up a sweat without hurling on my yoga mat, I started to overdo it– which is what screwed up my back.  Maybe I just need to scale it back a little on all the crazy posing.

What is that cliche workout saying? No pain, no gain? Just do it? No hustle, no muscle? (I might have actually just made that last one up. I’m not sure. But it’s pretty clever, if I do say so myself.)

I think I’ll make up another one.  How about “you’re 32 and you haven’t worked out in ten years, you lazy piece of crap. Get off the damn couch, shut off Big Brother, put the bag of Fritos away, and go for a fucking walk”.

Nailed it.

Anyone up for some yoga?

15 thoughts on “Not So Namaste

  1. I think the trick is to give that cute little kitty her own mat and have her do the yoga-ing for you while you “om” your way through a couple glasses of wine and snap “serenity” photos of kitty to share with us.

    I know I’m in for some belly laughs and occasional wetting panties when your posts appear in my reader.

    My favorite quote from my girlfriend’s Mother: “Don’t get too happy; something might happen.”

    • I wish this were really my cat! She would have her own Instagram account and I’d make her more famous than that grumpy one everyone loves so much.

      I’m so glad you like my posts. Life is too short not to spend most of it in fits of laughter 😉

      Your friend’s mom is 100% right about that!

  2. Ha funny share. I love Yoga been practicing for almost 2 years now. I like it because it requires nothing but my body some poses are harder than others but trying is the best part. I feel like I have accomplished something every time I test myself and the limits I had put on myself. Don’t give up on it give it a few more tries, your body and you will be very happy!!!

  3. This post cracked me up! You know, I was never the exercise freak, and my Buddah like body is there to prove it, lol – but I do have to say that before my first pregnancy I was an active gym go-er. I worked out, hardcore 4 times a week. The main reason was I needed to lose weight, at first, and I did. I lost close to 55pounds. But after a while, I went to the gym because it felt good. I promise. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true.
    As far as yoga is concerned, I’ve always kind of envied those yogis. The super flexible ones who look so zen all the time. But you know, yoga is really not for everyone. I don’t like yoga, I like the yogi style if we could call it that. But let’s face it, I’m way too intense of a person to be a real yogi. So the only times I’ve done yoga was when I was pregnant – hah! A Pregnant yoga class, once a week for a few weeks during pregnancy. That was it.
    Very much like your last few lines, I’m more into the whole “let’s go for a walk” thing…

    • You lost 55 lbs?? Good for you!! That’s so awesome, you are amazing 🙂 I do believe that if I kept forcing myself to do it, eventually I would like it (“it” being ANY type of working out at all). It’s just that getting to that point seems almost impossible.

      I’m so glad you liked my post, thanks for reading!!

  4. Know this, no one starts off as a rock star. Keeping up with it is what will get you past that initial soreness. Wish I could say it will be over in a day, but generally takes a consistent workout of 2 weeks to get beyond being sore.

    People give away treadmills all the time, just keep an eye out on Craigslist.

    Good job for getting through the first session though.

    Clifford Mitchem
    Advocare Distributor
    Nutrition + Fitness = Health

    • Yay for a fellow BB fan!! I am such an addict that I DVR the After Dark on TVGN and watch them almost everyday while I do housework and stuff. But there is not a workout on this planet that could keep me from one of the regular episodes. Oh and, I’m TEAM DERRICK all the way!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope you are too 🙂

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