I’m not exactly a new mom. My kids are five and two, so I’m not quite new to this parenting rodeo. But like most moms, I’ll certainly never forget the long, sleepless nights, the crazy ups and downs, the seemingly endless stress, and all of those bittersweet moments that go along with having a new baby.
So I put together this list for all the new mommies to relate to, and maybe delight in knowing that everyone else kind of loses it the first time around (and sometimes the second and third time) too.
As for the older mamas? You ladies might feel some combination of nostalgia and extreme relief looking back on that “new mom” whirlwind in your life.
Either way, here you go!
1. At least once a night, you jump up out of bed just to hear the baby breathe.
2. You have more baby bottles than forks and spoons combined, and you often find yourself ransacking the house for items to fill the empty bottom rack of the dishwasher because the top rack is always maxed out.
3. You have threatened the life of at least one telemarketer (or relative) for calling during the baby’s nap.
4. You play rock-paper-scissors with your spouse over who has to change the next dirty diaper (and somehow you lose every time).
5. You find yourself searching every corner and crevice of your house to see where that nasty odor is coming from— and then realize that it’s you. You’re the nasty odor. You smell like a person who hasn’t showered in over a week. Then you sigh because there’s no one around to watch the baby while you go take a shower so you’re left to stew in your own stench for a few more hours.
6. You proudly relay your baby’s height, weight, head circumference and frequency of bowel movements to all close friends and relatives at the start of each conversation (and a quick conversation it will be, as they are likely thinking of a good excuse to get off the phone with you).
7. You will do almost ANYTHING to quiet a screaming baby, even if it means continuously running your dryer with the baby nestled on top, or wasting gallons of water letting him listen to the faucet run, or pacing the floor for hours at a time while swaying, bopping, rocking, and humming, or even watching an endless stream of loud and horrible rap videos all night long (I tried all of the above with my colicky first child). Seriously, whatever works – no matter how ridiculous it seems, you’ll try it.
8. The last home-cooked meal you had (while sitting down!) was on Thanksgiving, and you certainly weren’t the one who cooked it.
9. Waking a sleeping baby is an offense punishable by termination of friendship and possibly loss of life to the offender.
10. Coffee. Just coffee. Lots and lots and lots of it.
11. Your trips to Babies ‘R’ Us “just for diapers” are doing more damage to your bank account than your wedding did.
12. The next person to ask “is the baby cold?” is getting smacked. Hard.
13. Same goes for the next person to ask “where is his hat? Doesn’t he have a hat?”
14. The next person to say “just sleep when they sleep” will be forced to wash every dish in the sink, fold five loads of laundry, scrub the toilets, and wash the kitchen floor.
15. Your diaper bag: a quick trip to the store or leaving town for a week? Who could tell?
16. Your DVR is an absolute lifesaver at 2a.m.
17. You’re officially part of the wonderful world of children’s television, where torturously catchy songs will play on an endless loop in your head for the next five years or so– songs with absurd and repetitive lyrics like “there’s a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy;” or “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’M THE MAP;” or “when we’ve gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, we know how to pee and poo, just sit on the toilet like a grown up would and see what we can doo doo doo doo!”
18. You choose the color for your rare mani/pedi carefully; it will linger on your nails for the next three months or until chipping away completely on its own.
19. Your pediatrician is on speed dial, and you could probably navigate the route to his office in your sleep.
20. What was once your living room is now an obstacle course of large, brightly-colored objects, designed to hold or occupy your baby for any period of time – none of which work nearly as well as merely holding him yourself and utilizing your only free arm for household tasks.
21. And that other arm? The one holding the baby? Let’s just say the Incredible Hulk has NOTHING on you and your freakishly strong baby-holding arm.
22. Remember when you created your first resume and listed “excellent at multi-tasking” as one of your skills? Ha! You didn’t even know the DEFINITION of multi-tasking until now.
23. Google is somehow simultaneously your very best friend and very worst enemy.
24. You’ve officially been peed on by another human being (and I really do hope that’s a first for you).
25. Remember how much you loved the baby yesterday? Well, that love just doubled today. And tomorrow, it’ll triple. And the day after that, it’ll quadruple. It never stops. Someday, your baby will grow into a precious, baby-faced toddler, and she’ll say “I love you” for the first time ever, and your heart will explode into so many pieces that you’ll need a broom and dustpan to pick them all up.
Try to remember that feeling after your sweet little angel has her first ever public meltdown.