Kids can be disgusting. Adorable too, of course, but still pretty gross. At least, I know mine are. If you’d like to claim that yours aren’t, then either take them back to their home planet or shut up and quit lying. So here’s a little list I made detailing some of the yuckiest stuff they do. It’s only ten items long, but I’m sure you could add at least ten more based on your own child’s less-than-civilized undertakings.
This entry is not for the faint-of-heart, but then again, neither is parenthood. So if you fall into the category of people who simply cannot discuss peeing, pooping, throwing up, spitting up, or any other undesirable thing that comes out of your child, then feel free to click over to Facebook now and read someone else’s horoscope or something. And while you’re at it, maybe see if you can find ANYONE ELSE to raise your kids, ya big p-word.
1. The In-Your Face Sneeze – It doesn’t matter how many times you remind your kids to sneeze into a tissue, or a napkin, or their sleeve, or even their hand (GASP! how politically incorrect of me!), you surely have found yourself on the receiving end of the in-your-face sneeze more than a few times. Now, I’m not a big fan of being sneezed on, but when it’s my own kid it’s not really a big deal. However, I take issue with the in-your-face sneeze when: 1- I’m eating, and the in-your-face sneeze becomes the in-your-lunch sneeze; 2- I’m wearing my glasses, and I have to pause whatever I’m doing to clean streaks of mucus off of the lenses; and 3- the sneezing child is sick, and an innocent little sneeze is followed by another, and another, and one more, and then out shoots the long, dangling strand of snot headed straight for your bare foot.
2. Booger Presents – Since we’re already on the subject of things that originate in the nasal passage… Isn’t it just so awesome when your child HANDS YOU A BOOGER? This is a favorite pastime for my two-year-old daughter, who often likes to dig a pinky or pointer in her tiny little honker to extract the largest green boulder she can find up there, then proudly hand it off to me, smiling like a cat who just left a dead bird on its owner’s kitchen table.
3. Floating Poop in the Tub – I actually had to limit my daughter’s tub time to no longer than five minutes for a while because she was constantly contaminating the bath water. One time I left the room to grab a wash cloth and returned to find her splashing around with her new, brown, homemade tub toys. Just what every mom wants to do after putting the kids to bed: scrub down the entire bathroom with bleach. So….we do showers now.
4. Spit Out Food – Unless you’re a baby bird, or Alicia Silverstone (20 years post Clueless), there is NOTHING attractive about chewed-up food. When adults taste something we dislike, we either choke it down and guzzle the nearest beverage, or at least have the decency to discreetly spit it into a napkin (I know, I know – that’s what she said). But heaven forbid a tiny piece of lettuce should find its way onto your unsuspecting child’s chicken nugget, somehow sliding under the FBI-level radar of your little picky eater, you should prepare for the most theatrical of mock-regurgitations. And if you’re really lucky, little Fido will scamper over to indulge in any bits and pieces that have found their way to the floor. Seriously, you’re lucky if that happens- it’s less for you to clean up.
5. Peanut Butter Face – Also known as ice cream face, chocolate face, jelly face, ketchup face, yogurt face, and pasta sauce face. But isn’t it just so cute to watch them enjoying their meals? Sometimes the food even ends up IN their mouth! And you can whip out the iPhone and capture every gloriously messy moment on video! Yup, it’s all fun and games until someone’s gotta clean that little mofo up. And let’s face it, the cuter the picture, the more baby wipes you’re gonna need.
6. Eat Random Shit – My daughter is SO PICKY. Some days I’m lucky if I can get her to eat more than a pretzel and a slice of cheese all day. Yet, for some reason, she will eat absolutely ANYTHING she finds on the floor. Old Cheerios? Yum. Hardened Play-Doh scraps? Sure. Tiny LEGOs? Delish. Dog food? Bring it on. And in addition to her prized culinary floor findings, she also enjoys a nice fingerful of glue every now and then, a direct-from-the-dispenser gulp of body lotion after a bath, and, of course, the colorful, waxy, scrumptiousness of anything Crayola.
7. Not Washing Hands After Poop – I’m as fond of good personal hygiene as the next mama, but if my kid forgets to wash his hands after a tinkle, I’m not exactly going to flip my lid. However, do NOT let me find out he did a number two in that bowl and failed to wash his hands afterward. That is just plain disgusting. Because it was only less than a year ago that “I’m DOING COCKY, COME WIPE MY BUTTTTTTTTT!” was a daily shriek heard from inside the bathroom. Thank GOD that shit is over with now (pun intended), but you can never be too sure how perfectly this task is performed by an amateur wiper.
8. Sand Crotch – Is there any feeling NASTIER than sand when it’s, well, pretty much anywhere sand isn’t supposed to be…? It’s funny how people go to the beach, a place with only two components – sand and water – and then spend the entire day trying to avoid touching a single grain of sand? Not kids, though. Kids LOVE sand. The sandier a child can be, the better. In fact, I think these kids even secretly compete with each other to see who can transfer the most sand from the beach to the car, with bonus points for any sand that makes it into the house. My kids never fail to go directly from the water to the sand, and from there right to the clean blanket. And then- “I’m having fun, mommy! Can I give you a HUG??” Uh, no thanks….
9. Spit Up – I’m lucky, because my kids were never big spitter-uppers or big thrower-uppers. But that didn’t stop my daughter from spitting up DIRECTLY INTO MY MOUTH once. I suppose this one was my own fault, as common sense would dictate that you shouldn’t spin a recently-fed baby around in the air, even if she usually loves the airplane game. But it was pretty damn gross, so it makes the list.
10. Wet the Bed – I believe that those three little words accurately sum up my entire life since becoming a parent, as I have a FIVE year old who still wears a pull-up diaper to bed because he’s prone to nighttime accidents. Soiled sheets and pajamas have simply become a routine part of my life – the faint, malodourous scent of stale urine seemingly following my every move, and the endless paranoia that I’ve somehow missed a yellow spot somewhere is always lurking in the back of my nose. It’s quite unsettling. And every time I think I trust him to start making it through the night, thinking I’m finally free from purchasing overpriced pull-up diapers and the 3a.m. fumbling around in the dark for clean pajamas, I always find myself knee-deep in piss-covered Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sheets all over again. Such is the plight of a bed-wetter’s mom.