Parenthood is exhausting, and everyone is guilty of a little procrastination now and then. Below I’ve listed some of the most common tasks that tend to get put off because, well, there’s just a lot of other stuff you’d much, much, much rather be doing instead.
1 Kids’ haircuts – My mouth says to the hairdresser “make it short like his daddy wears it.” But my head says “make it so short that that I won’t have to see you again for at least two months.”
2 Timeouts – Mommy’s giving you just SEVEN more chances before I’m finally willing to give in and listen to you bitch and moan in the corner for five minutes.
3 Dresser drawer cleaning – These newborn socks look like they run pretty big.
4 Dental checkup – Aren’t their teeth going to fall out anyway?
5 Play-doh time – Or any “crafty” activity wherein setup and cleanup time is exponentially longer than actual play time.
6 Back-to-school supply shopping – There’s no greater reminder of summer’s end than purchasing twelve marble notebooks in one day.
7 Washing car seat/stroller covers – Am I the only one who feels like you need to a Master’s degree in mechanical engineering to figure out how to get these covers back on after you wash them?
8 Baby proofing – I’ve found that there are two kinds of parents in this world: those who start putting child locks on the cabinets the same day they get a positive pregnancy test, and those who prefer to wait until their toddler crawls under the sink and attempts to spray Windex in his mouth. Guess which one I was?
9 Dishes – As long as we have clean sippy cups, the rest can wait. And yes I do have a dishwasher. But no, it doesn’t empty and fill itself.
10 Vacation planning – Can’t decide between boringly cheap or excitingly expensive.
11 Birthday party planning – Can’t decide between balloons, bouncy houses and magicians, and ‘Well I never had big giant parties when I was a kid either!”
12 Cooking dinner – It takes a LOT less time to order pizza than it does to defrost chicken cutlets.
13 Mailing thank you cards- Seriously, kudos to those of you who actually still remember to do this at all.
14 Cleaning the bathroom – Unless someone missed the toilet (again), it can wait until Mommy’s in a bleachy mood.
15 Potty training- Because incessant diaper changing will always be more appealing than plopping your kid’s bare ass down on a public toilet seat and praying the Lysol fairy has paid a very recent visit.
16 Finding a babysitter – Nobody is buying that these kids are sweet little angels who go to bed by 7pm. No, not even Grandma.
17 Reapplying sunblock – You did it when you when you left for the beach, right? Good enough. (Get over it, horrified mom whose child never leaves the house without a hat, sunglasses, and at least three coats of SPF 110).
18 Going to the park – If you’re like me and you just LOVE trips to the park. Ya know, because sarcasm.
19 Getting out of bed – How about a little Dora before breakfast, sweety? Mommy’s still recovering from last night’s wine-infused Game of Thrones marathon.
20 Changing the channel once the kids have gone to bed – Admit it, you know you are guilty of absentmindedly watching a little after hours Yo Gabba Gabba or Bubble Guppies. “What time is it?? It’s time for lunch!” No, asshole. It’s time to find the remote.
21 Breaking up fights – I really don’t care whose turn it is to pet the dog or feed the fish or whatever bullshit you are fighting over now. Leave mommy alone while I purchase noise-cancelling headphones on Amazon.
22 Bottle/pacifier weaning – Pacifier and bottle addiction is real, people. And it affects millions of toddlers, every single day. Is your child ready to detox? Mine isn’t.
23 Bath time – Just what every exhausted parent wants to do at the end of a very long day– clean someone else’s ass.
24 Christmas shopping – Sure, you could try to be be one of those anal nutjobs who finish Christmas shopping before the Halloween decorations go up (no offense, anal nutjobs). OR… You could wait until just before the window for free shipping by Christmas closes, pulling an all-nighter on your iPad and crossing your fingers that a mid-December snowstorm doesn’t derail any of your precious pre-Christmas expected delivery dates.
25 Laundry – The good news is that I ALWAYS have a load of laundry in the washing machine, pretty much at all times. But the bad news is that it’s probably been in there since last week (and for more of my thoughts on laundry, see here)
26 Getting dressed – It’s 1pm and I’m still in my PJ’s, as are my children. Doesn’t look like that’s changing anytime soon, either, so….
27 Changing a nasty diaper – It can at least wait until Dad smells it and possibly decides take action first. Unlikely, yes. But worth a shit. Shot, I meant worth a shot (hashtag: appropriate typos).
28 Coming home after running errands by yourself – Just drive around the block a few more times until the song ends. Unless they play another good song after that.
29 Food shopping – This is the only errand that should be excluded from #28, since no one wants ice cream melting all over their trunk. See here for more of my thoughts on food shopping (shocking spoiler alert: I’m not a fan).
30 Checking on the children when they’re being suspiciously quiet in another room – You’re sure something pretty bad is going on in there, but, it’s JUST SO QUIET…..