My 20 Mostly Unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions for 2014

Who knows– maybe I’ll actually accomplish one or two?


  1. I will be wide awake when the ball drops.
  2. I will find a clever use for empty Play-Doh containers, large coffee cans, giant pretzel bins and paper towel rolls, instead of putting them away for “future craft projects” until they begin spilling out of my hall closet and end up in the garbage anyway.
  3. I will exercise more, starting with running.  Toward cheese fries. The curly kind.
  4. I will also learn how to spell “exercise” without using auto-correct.
  5. I will potty train my two-year-old using the simple “take off your pants and just go in the damn toilet already so I never have to purchase or change a single diaper again” method.
  6. I will land the job of my dreams after someone reads my blog, finds it to be the best work of literature since Catcher in the Rye, and immediately gives me a book deal, writing job, or the opportunity to review Nickelodeon TV shows for a living.
  7. After I’ve landed this job, I will move out of my cramped and freezing apartment into a beautiful home, thus becoming the type of person who says “these taxes are an outrage! Don’t they know I have a mortgage to pay?!”
  8. I will stop staring off into space like a socially awkward gnome when picking up my son from school and actually attempt to make conversation with people.
  9. After I start speaking to people at my son’s school, I will quickly find a person who is exactly as sarcastic, anxiety-ridden, and jaded as I am, and then become fast, best friends with her.  This person and I will discuss the extreme hardships of parenting, as well as the extreme hotness of those Hemsworth brothers, over bottles of red wine on a regular basis.
  10. I will stop letting my son watch TV on weekdays.  Instead, he will study the political and socioeconomic themes from late 17th century French literature before going to bed on his Ninja Turtle bed sheets every night.
  11. I will get my daughter to stop sleeping in my bed.  Also, she will no longer need to be gripping at handfuls of flesh from my arm, deeply digging her nails in while squeezing as hard as possible, to drift peacefully off to sleep every night.  I’m serious, that is how she goes to sleep.  I’ve created a goddamn monster.
  12. I will pay off my hefty student loans using the amazing salary I make from the fabulous job I have as a result of going to college in the first place.  (There’s that sarcasm I mentioned before.  Future awesome best friend, do you have student loans to pay off too?)
  13. I will teach my children to always clean up after themselves. By the way, does anyone know where I can purchase two child-size Harry Potter wands?
  14. I will selflessly replace the excessive amount of television I watch with charity work.  If I find homeless people and watch TV with them, is that considered charity work?
  15. I will reorganize my bedroom, starting with my closet.  I will toss anything that doesn’t fit me well or is out of style.  I will then relocate to a nudist colony.
  16. I will carve out more “me time.”  By carving out a hole in my wall and climbing in.
  17. I will find a foolproof way to keep my kids from drawing on the furniture.  And themselves. And each other.  And me.  But mostly the furniture.
  18. I will start being more honest with people.  Like this: if you read my blog, you are an awesomely amazing human being and I truly love you.  If you’ve never read my blog, you suck.  If we are related and you have never read it, you are dead to me.  Honesty is the best policy.
  19. I will find the person who invented video games and beat him senseless with a PS3, then send the broken, bloody game system to my husband in a box.  Love you, babe!
  20. I will be a nice person.  Ok, a nicer person.  I will be a nicer person.  Or maybe a nice-ish person.  Fuck it, I’ll just be a person.

Wishing you all a happy and healthy New Year, with much success, love, joy and all of that other wonderful crap for 2014!

3 thoughts on “My 20 Mostly Unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions for 2014

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