Portrayal of a Pregnancy Test

A detailed venture through the mind of a woman who has just peed on the proverbial stick:

Did I pee enough? Maybe I should have peed longer than five seconds, just to be sure.

What if I peed too much? Can that happen? I should have read the directions more carefully.

I’m losing it. Directions to pee on a stick? Sometimes I wonder about myself.

But what if the pee stream was too strong? Is it possible that pee can break the test? No, no way. Well, probably not.

I don’t want to look yet. I’m going to wait three WHOLE minutes this time.

There is no freaking way this will take three minutes.

Ok I’m looking.

Is that another line? I can’t tell. Ok I’m going to put it down and wait until a FULL three minutes pass. No more peeking.

Omg, if that was really a second line, then I am pregnant. Nine months until I have a sweet, beautiful little angel in my arms!

Nah, that wasn’t a line. I’m not pregnant. Ok, good. I can drink as much wine coffee as I want now.

If it’s a boy, I love the name Nathan.

But girl’s names are cuter. Maybe it’s a girl.

I hope I don’t get morning sickness. Or heartburn. Or hemorrhoids.

But, honestly, am I even ready to have a BABY right now????

I can’t afford a baby.

I am going to look SO FAT in maternity clothes.

How the hell has it only been two minutes?

I need to clean this toilet. I can do that while I wait. Where’s the Lysol?

Wait. If I’m pregnant I shouldn’t be using cleaning chemicals in such a small space. Right? I’ll clean the toilet after I find out whether or not I’m preggers. I’m all about priorities.

My friend’s sister got a false positive once. I always thought there was no such thing as a false positive. Maybe my friend was lying. Or maybe the test was broken. Maybe she peed too hard. I knew you could break the test with strong pee!

My other friend didn’t know she was pregnant for like five months. She was getting her period and everything. Crazy stuff. Good thing she wasn’t a big drinker.

Ok, screw this three minute bullshit. It’s been long enough. I’m looking.

Is that a second line or what? I think it is. But it’s so faint. I can’t tell. I don’t even know if it’s really there. Am I seeing things? Am I hallucinating right now???

*Holds test up to light* I totally think it’s another line! I’m pregnant! OMG!!!!!!!!!

Wait. IS it another line? I better take another test.

Or two more tests.

Or ten.

images (4)

Note to my mom: No. I am not pregnant. Well, probably not.

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