Kindergarten Basics for Moms

Well, Mommies. It’s happened. The kids are FINALLY back in school getting their ABC’s and 123’s on. Can I get a WOO-freaking-HOO????

You and I may have finished elementary school last century (literally, for most of us) but I thought I’d have a little fun taking us back to kindergarten today with a new perspective on the stuff our little ones are learning in school right now. Feel free to really get in the spirit by draining out half of a juice box and funneling in some vodka before you read on. It’s fun!


Disclaimer: You won’t learn anything from me. You probably never will.

First, let’s learn our colors!

Red: The color you see when you’ve gone out for dinner with your friends (for the first time in six months) and come home at 10 p.m. to find your husband on the couch watching Terminator 3 with your four-year-old son, who, like his little sister, is still wide awake, fully clothed, and filthy. Oh, and the remnants of the dinner you set out on the table for everyone five hours ago are still sitting on the table, congealed leftovers and all.

Blue: The way you feel when you realize it’ll probably be another six months before you go out with your friends again.

Green: The color on your face after you leave the bathroom for thirty seconds during bathtime and come back to find a trail of turds floating around in the tub—and your daughter splashing around with them like they’re her new bath toys.

Yellow: The color leaking through your freshly-changed newborn’s diaper onto the pair of pants you just put him in for the first (and last) time, indicating that he needs another change—and bath—ASAP.

Next, we’ll do numbers!

Number 1 – This is the number of birth control pills you have to forget to take before you end up getting prematurely pregnant in your early twenties while still living with your parents and making enough money to qualify for food stamps.

Number 2 – This is the number of bites your daughter usually takes of her dinner before she tosses it over the side of her highchair.

Number 3 – This is the number of back-to-back episodes of Bubble Guppies your child watches every time your mom, sister, or best friend calls to chitchat on the phone.

Number 4 – This is how many times you have to tell your son to get dressed in the morning for school before he actually does it.

Number 5 – This is the number of times per night you get up to pee when you are pregnant. Also the minimum number of meals you eat in a day when pregnant.

Moving on to shapes!

Circle – This is the shape of the tambourine your son threw across the living room that hit your husband in the face and gave him a fat lip (which was kind of funny, although hubby didn’t think so).

Square – This is the shape of the pillows on the couch that serve no purpose except on rainy days to help build forts that you are praying the kids will stay inside of all day long.

Rectangle – This is the shape of the television that you swear to your pediatrician your kids never watch, but that in actuality brings a great amount of joy to every member of your family.

Star – This is the shape of those little pasta things you feed to your kids when they are babies that they spend five seconds eating (or spitting out) and that you then spend five hours cleaning up because the damn things are all over the house.

Diamond – This is the shape of the ridiculous rock on that bitch’s finger who gave you a dirty look when you picked up your son from school today because your two-year-old daughter accidentally stepped on her stupid, fancy Louboutins. Seriously, it’s kindergarten dismissal. Not Fashion Week at Bryant Park.

I was planning to do letters next but I think I’ve had a few too many “juice boxes.” Guess we’ll save that for another lesson.

Class dismissed!

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