Sitting in my son’s new classroom yesterday, my butt wedged into a tiny wooden chair designed for either a five year old or an oompaloompa, I found my mind wandering a little during the kindergarten orientation. I have a habit of people watching, and the habit was distracting me from giving Little M’s teacher my full attention.
But only a little bit! I swear I heard like 97% of what the teacher said. Teachers, please don’t kill me.
So I sat in the classroom with about twenty other people, and I chuckled to myself when I realized that I was officially part of a quintessential group of grade school parents. Some with notoriously annoying habits; a few standing out for other reasons; and still others (like me) just kind of blending in. Here are a few examples:
- The Head Shaker– this person shakes his or her head in sheer disgust at every word the teacher says. What? I have to pack TWO snacks per day? And put them OUTSIDE the lunchbox? Unbelievable.
- The Teacher – No, not your child’s teacher. This person is hell bent on ensuring that everyone, the teacher in particular, is aware that he or she also is a teacher. Look at me! I’m a teacher too! Yes, me! I know how the teacher feels!! I’m a teacher toooooooo! We get the picture, and teachers are truly wonderful people. But right now, you are a parent like the rest of us poor schmucks. Sit down.
- The Bad Seat Chooser – this person always feels the obnoxious need to unnecessarily sit directly in front of you, thus causing you to contort your neck uncomfortably in order to be able to see. He or she might also be partially blind, or else they would have noticed the FOUR other empty seats not directly in front of anyone they could have selected instead.
- The Allergy Mom – This person’s child is allergic to everything. Honestly, not judging here. Just observing. I can’t imagine what a pain in the ass it must be. Seriously I’m quite grateful that so far I’ve had no allergy issues with my kids. Just saying, there is inevitably always at least one poor anxiety-ridden and epi-pen wielding Allergy Mom in every class.
- The Child-Bringer – This person always brings their kids along, despite being told by the school repeatedly to leave them home. I know it’s often tough to get a sitter, and hey, I’ve been there a few times myself. But do you think that maybe you could ask your kid to quit whistling the theme song to Henry Hugglemonster while I’m trying to hear what to do in the event of a school lockdown? It’s just that it might be good to know that information one day, you know?
- The Bad Haircut – this person has a haircut so terrible that it’s literally distracting you from paying attention. Kate Gosselin called. She said she will trade you one of her kids for her hairdo back.
- The Blue Tooth – For some odd reason, this person feels the need to keep a blue tooth in their ear at all times. Are you listening to a book on tape or something? Seriously, like what’s the point? I don’t get it. Doesn’t it bother your ear?
- The Stink Face – Forever looking as though they smell shit on their upper lip, this person probably couldn’t even be friendly to someone returning their lost dog. Unsurprisingly, Stink Face gave Allergy Mom the most revolting look ever when she heard that peanuts were a no-no in the classroom yesterday. Like sorry that keeping someone’s kid from going into anaphylactic shock and possibly dropping dead is an inconvenience to you, but you think you could keep the bitch face to yourself from now on?
- The Tattoo Guy – this person has a very large, very visible tattoo of their child’s name and birth date on his (or her) forearm. To be clear, tattoos are fine by me. But I am mentioning Tattoo Guy because I found it hilarious that he happened to be sitting next to the class birthday chart on the wall, which then caused me to nonchalantly cross-reference his tattoo with the name and date on the chart. It was totally the same date! Ha!
- The Dumb Question – This is the person who asks the dumb question at the end of the orientation even though the whole room is obviously dying to leave. If the school has labeled each child as either a “walker” or a “bus-rider,” then no, there is no third option for “gets driven home.” For real?? Enjoy wasting our time much?
It’s worth noting that some of the people on this list are one and the same. For example, the Head Shaker is the same person as Stink Face; the distracting bad haircut chick is also the person who sat directly in front of me; the Dumb Question also has the stupid blue tooth thingy in her ear. Basically, we can conclude that when people are annoying, they are usually annoying a multitude of ways.
So I’ve made it my business to point out those ways. And laugh. From a comfortable distance here behind my laptop. 😉
By the way, I have my first PTA meeting coming up so enjoy this post while it’s here. It’s most likely getting deleted after I make my first “friend.” If that actually happens, what with all this natural charm and charisma just oozing out of me…….