Before all of you summer-lovers roll your eyes and go back to getting your tan on or whatever, hear me out. Why? Because sometimes I’m hilarious. Not because you’re going to agree or anything. You probably won’t.
So I am no fan of the summer. Sun, sand, surf… Blah blah blah. None of it really rings my bell. See here for my thoughts on summer vacation and here for my thoughts on the beach. The thing I hate most about summer is that it is so damn HOT. I actually get anxiety attacks from feeling overheated (don’t believe me? Go ask the doctor who prescribed me FOUR Xanex a day. No I don’t take it all, but it wouldn’t be illegal if I did). I just don’t do heat. It’s not for me.
I know I seem a little cynical about summer (and a lot of other things too, I suppose). But I promise I’ll be happier once the weather cools down. Well, except for in the dead of winter when it snows a lot and I’m stuck in the house with two insanely bored kids while Big M works back-to-back twelve-hour shifts with no days off, and I die a little more inside with each new flake of falling snow….
But we’ll cross that blog when we come to it.
For now, summer is the one on my shit list. Here are twelve reasons why this season gotsta GO.
- You know that feeling when you just want to stay in your pj’s all day and be a big bum? Maybe you drank a little too much last night, or you’re just in a crappy mood for some reason, or you were up until 3 a.m. watching reruns of WEEDS. In January, go ahead and rock those pj’s til the sun goes down. No one cares. In July? Hello, guilt! You are a shitty mom, a shitty human being, and you should probably relocate to Antarctica until you’ve grasped the importance of daily Vitamin D intake for you and your family.
- Some dickhead mosquito just bit me on the bottom of my foot. I smashed him, and now he’s a dead dickhead. But my foot is still itchy.
- Little M starts a full day of kindergarten in September. A FULL DAY. Six hours a day, five days a week. You do the math. Comes out to one happy freaking mommy.
- If that stupid ice cream truck creeps down my block after 8 p.m. one more time, there will be a new reason for calling him Mr. Softee. One that involves my foot and his little creamsicle.
- Leg shaving. Summer: occurs once every other day or so. Winter: occurs once every other month or so.
- When the weather cools off I get to stuff my feet into little boot-shaped pillows and joyfully wear them with almost every article of clothing I own. They’re called Uggs, and I don’t care if men think “Ugg” is short for “ugly”. My extremely cozy feet and I respectfully disagree.
- Ain’t no traffic like summertime traffic, cuz summertime traffic don’t stop. Case in point. This little clusterfuck took place somewhere near the entrance to the Staten Island Expressway during rush hour on a sunny August afternoon. The kids slept off all the energy expelled at the beach in the hour and a half that it took to drive a whopping ten miles to our house—and then they stayed up til 11 p.m.
- I’m so over cleaning sand out of my car. And my kids’ butts. And other places…
- You might think your little Spanx-brand tankini was the best two hundred bucks you ever spent, but there isn’t enough control-top polyester in the world to hide that gut. You know what might? A big, thick, sweater. Just saying.
- Pumpkins are a superfood. Hot dogs and hamburgers are not.
- Fall TV. Because I no longer give a shit how much “talent” America has.
- Frizzy is NOT the new flirty. There is nothing flirtatious about looking like you used your SteamVac to style your hair. Unless you chemically straighten or live in some warm, zero-humidity paradise, the safety ponytail gets old sometime around mid-August.