The Baby Wipe: Mom’s Best Friend

Today, we pay homage to mom’s best friend: The Baby Wipe.  The Baby Wipe is, in my humble opinion, one of the greatest inventions in the history of the world (sorry, lighbulb, get over it).  Before I had kids I sadly did not know the sheer convenience of having a stack of these damp little problem-solvers in my bag at all times.  I had NO IDEA just how far beyond their intended use of shit-scrubbing they could go.  So to celebrate how much easier this nifty necessity makes our lives, I’ve conjured up 29 different ways to use a baby wipe, all of which were used by me (and probably you) at one time or another.

  1. Baby snot on the couch – This occurs more than I care to admit to the people who regularly sit on my couch.
  2. Random gunk on the cell phone screen – Don’t even text a single word until you clean that shit off.
  3. Crayon scribble on the wall – Really, who needs coloring books?
  4. Milk on the floor – Sorry baby Picasso, but your milk bottle masterpiece has gotta go.
  5. Sticky steering wheels – Unless you’re like Big M, who drives around with an entire car-detailing kit in his trunk at all times, this is the most efficient way to clean your car and go.  Ugh, men.
  6. Ketchup face –As long as your kid will eat anything doused in ketchup, you’ll happily deal with the mess later.
  7. Makeup remover – A.K.A. raccoon-face prevention.
  8. Greasy doorknobs – A regular occurrence in my house on pizza night.
  9. Marker face – You turned around for literally ten seconds.
  10. Boogers – Enough said.
  11. Anything involving waffle syrup of any kind.
  12. Last minute removal of visible dust before company arrives – Now pray that no one looks up at the ceiling fan.
  13. Spit-up – My kids were never big spitter-uppers, although my daughter once threw up in my mouth (I don’t even want to talk about it).  Still, this is an obvious one and thus makes the list.
  14. Baby food on the wall – A tip: baby food stains are unfortunately best wiped up immediately.  I learned the hard way that if you wait too long to clean mashed peas off the ceiling, your only option will be to eventually repaint.  To be fair, “too long” in this case was over two years later.  Any kind of cleaning that requires a ten-foot ladder gets automatically moved to the very bottom of my to-do list.
  15. Boo-boo disinfectant – for the times when Super Awesome Always Prepared for Anything Mom has lost her mind and left the first-aid kit home.
  16. Kitchen table funk – The sponge is ALL THE WAY OVER THERE in the sink, but these baby wipes are RIGHT HERE on the table.  Plus that sponge might be funkier than what I’m planning to clean with it.
  17. Post-poop doggy buttholes – If you ignore it, it only ends up on the rug.
  18. Bath time substitute – Sometimes, after a particularly long day, a quick wipe-down will do just fine (here’s looking at you, pregnant mothers with toddlers).
  19.  Insect killer – Thicker than a regular tissue for less bug-to-finger contact.
  20. The highchair tray – I love how it says “dishwasher safe.”  Who is taking up the WHOLE top rack of the dishwasher just to avoid wiping that thing down?  Even I’m not that lazy.  Usually.
  21. Questionable stain on floor – Don’t know what it is or where it came from, but maybe it’s better that way.  Scrub it up and move on.
  22. Questionable stain on baby – Again, don’t know what it is or where it came from.  It’s definitely better that way.
  23. Fridge handle – Hey, at least now you’re sort of trying.
  24. Post-floor-washing footwear for walking across the wet floor.
  25. Buffalo wing and spare rib lovers – Whip out a package of baby wipes for someone covered in barbecue sauce up to their elbows and you’ll be an instant hero.
  26. Side-view mirror defogger – Big M says our SUV has some kind of fancy heated mirrors, but who has time to learn what ALL of those little buttons on the dashboard are for?
  27. Toothpaste on the shirt – Next time maybe you’ll look in the mirror BEFORE you leave the house.
  28. Pacifier and bottle nipple cleaner – For those of you who refuse to recognize the five-second rule when it applies to young children (i.e. first time parents).
  29. Mouth cleaner – Here’s a new one as of a minute ago: I just found Little D splashing around in our dog’s water bowl and then licking the water off her hands.  I quickly grabbed a wipe and swished it around her mouth.  I doubt that it really did much good but I feel a little better about the whole thing.  Maybe I better go get her something to drink…

photo (14)

This is Little M with an empty box of our favorite affordable baby wipe brand on his head.  If I had the time I’d write another blog post listing 29 ways to keep a child busy for at least a half hour with a box.  Hell, if I had the time I would have actually made it to 30 uses for baby wipes like I’d originally intended.  But right now my kids need baths and to get to bed.

And more importantly, The Bachelorette is on soon.  Don’t you dare judge me.

One thought on “The Baby Wipe: Mom’s Best Friend

  1. Pingback: Baby Gift Do’s and Don’ts, or Why New Parents Can Buy Their Own Diapers | Highchairs & Headaches

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