The Ten Super Moms I’ll Never Be (No Matter How Hard I Try)

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I’m just jumping right in today, as the title basically speaks for itself. Here we go!

  1. Super Healthy Mom – Her kids don’t have a clue what the hell gluten is, but they are terrified of it. She thinks Ronald McDonald is the spawn of Satan, and she’d rather die than be seen holding a Happy Meal. While her grocery bill is quadruple the size of a standard grocery tab, the three-acre, fully organic garden growing in her backyard keeps her away from the wicked, non-locally grown produce items desecrating the aisles of the nearby supermarket. Oh, and GMO’s are sure to be the cause of earth’s apocalypse. She told me so.
  2. Super Workout Mom – We all remember this chick, right? That horrid “what’s your excuse” woman? Shhh, I know, I know. I want to punch her in the face too. Thankfully, not all the Super Workout Moms are as bitchy as she is, but they do all seem to share a knack for making the rest of us feel like giant walking blobs of shit. Somehow, her post-pregnancy body is even better than her pre-pregnancy one. But it makes sense, since she’s a busy one: she lifts 100-pound CrossFit weights with just one pinky finger all weekend long, and she’s training for a 26-mile marathon every other day of the week. She’s got at least twenty pairs of those Lululemon yoga pants, which is good because she doesn’t ever take a day off. I guess I wouldn’t either, if my kids could play handball off my abs.
  3. Super Career Mom – People often ask this mom “HOW do you do it all?” but no one really knows the answer (maybe not even Super Career Mom herself). Somehow she balances a great career with being a great mom. I haven’t much to say about Career Mom, because her mysterious ability to be both a boss at work (literally) and also be a boss at home is seemingly impossible and somewhat mind-boggling. Yet somehow she does it. And she’s got the financial ability to purchase a decent home in 21st century America to show for it. Kudos.
  4. Super Clean House Mom – You know how you turn into a psychotic house-scrubbing maniac every time company is coming over? Well Super Clean House Mom is like that all the time, even without the looming threat of some snarky relative pointing out that the blades on the ceiling fan need to be vacuumed or whatever. Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but this OCD mom’s BFF is probably her precious Swiffer Sweeper. Not a single speck of dirt occupies a surface in her home, and her family just seems to KNOW better than to leave their crap all over the place. I’d be impressed, if I weren’t so busy looking at my dusty fan blades.
  5. Super Well-Behaved Kids Mom – Is it positive reinforcement? Negative reinforcement? Is reinforcement even needed, or did she just win some kind of secret parenting lottery which granted her perfectly angelic children? Whatever it is, Super Well-Behaved Kids Mom is doing something right. Her kids clean their room, set the table, get good grades, say “please” and “thank you.” And they’ve NEVER sold one of their birthday gifts to a kindergarten classmate for five dollars (yes, my son did that). These kids are seriously flawless. Come to think of it, there’s actually a 50/50 chance that they’re aliens. If so, then they really need to head back to their home planet, because they’re making the rest of us look bad.
  6. Super PTA Mom – Super PTA Mom wants to change the world, one bake sale at a time. And thank goodness for that, because someone has to deal with all these pesky school politics and holiday fairs. Considering the fact that afternoon dismissal regularly conjures a social paralysis in me that I haven’t experienced since the first day of high school, it’s probably safe to say that not everyone is well-suited for such a job. Hats off to you, PTA Moms. Seriously.
  7. Super Fun Mom – If moms were government organizations, this chick would be the post office. Neither snow, nor hail, nor rain, nor sleet (or however the hell it goes) will keep this determined mama indoors with her kids. She’s at the park, the museum, the movies, the zoo, the amusement park, the NASA Space Station boarding a rocket ship for a family tour of the moon. She is, hands down, THE MOST FUN MOM EVER. The only video games her kids play are the ones where they all dance around the living room together, and I’m pretty sure she only owns a computer for the purpose of researching more fun shit to do. She kind of makes me hate fun.
  8. Super Friend Mom – This mom boasts a pretty impressive lineup of BFF’s, especially for someone at least a decade or two out of college. Her kids’ playdate schedule is booked solid thru next year, and she actually still talks to people ON THE PHONE. Like, just to say hi and stuff. Her stress levels are probably much lower than most because she does “girls night out” at least once a month (gasp!). She’s kind of like an adult reminder that the “popular girl” doesn’t always grow up to be a total loser after all (to the sad disappointment of wallflowers everywhere).
  9. Super Holiday Mom – She has the kids’ Halloween costumes purchased in August, Christmas shopping finished by September, and Easter baskets ready to go in February. She’s always at least one holiday ahead of everyone else. Her outdoor decorations seem to defy the laws of physics, with displays so dazzling they occasionally cause traffic accidents on her street. Her Elf on the Shelf has a more exciting life than most Hollywood celebrities, and every December you find yourself wondering if Super Holiday Mom’s husband is Santa Claus himself.
  10. Super Pregnant Mom – She’s nine months pregnant, wheeling a double stroller through the supermarket with one arm, and pushing a cart full of groceries with the other. To her, the giant round bump in her mid-section is nothing more than a mere mosquito bite. She accomplishes more in her third trimester of pregnancy than some people do in their entire life. It’s almost as though she doesn’t even realize there’s a person living inside her.
  11. Super Not Super At All Mom – I’m none of the above, as you might have guessed. I’ve certainly tried to be all of these moms at one time or another, but I’ve failed pretty epically every single time. It’s okay though. I’ll let you in on a little secret: Super Moms don’t really exist. A Super Mom is only “super” on the surface. Beneath the façade of awesomeness is a regular mom, like you and me, who is just as flawed as everyone else. It’s great to be inspired by her, but try not to be too envious. Super Jealous Mom is not a Super Mom at all. Now excuse me while I go attempt to practice what I preach.

It’s Never Too Early to Be Annoyed By the Other Parents at School

Sitting in my son’s new classroom yesterday, my butt wedged into a tiny wooden chair designed for either a five year old or an oompaloompa, I found my mind wandering a little during the kindergarten orientation. I have a habit of people watching, and the habit was distracting me from giving Little M’s teacher my full attention.

But only a little bit! I swear I heard like 97% of what the teacher said. Teachers, please don’t kill me.

So I sat in the classroom with about twenty other people, and I chuckled to myself when I realized that I was officially part of a quintessential group of grade school parents. Some with notoriously annoying habits; a few standing out for other reasons; and still others (like me) just kind of blending in. Here are a few examples:

  1. The Head Shaker– this person shakes his or her head in sheer disgust at every word the teacher says. What? I have to pack TWO snacks per day? And put them OUTSIDE the lunchbox? Unbelievable.
  2. The Teacher – No, not your child’s teacher. This person is hell bent on ensuring that everyone, the teacher in particular, is aware that he or she also is a teacher. Look at me! I’m a teacher too! Yes, me! I know how the teacher feels!! I’m a teacher toooooooo! We get the picture, and teachers are truly wonderful people. But right now, you are a parent like the rest of us poor schmucks. Sit down.
  3. The Bad Seat Chooser – this person always feels the obnoxious need to unnecessarily sit directly in front of you, thus causing you to contort your neck uncomfortably in order to be able to see. He or she might also be partially blind, or else they would have noticed the FOUR other empty seats not directly in front of anyone they could have selected instead.
  4. The Allergy Mom – This person’s child is allergic to everything. Honestly, not judging here. Just observing. I can’t imagine what a pain in the ass it must be. Seriously I’m quite grateful that so far I’ve had no allergy issues with my kids. Just saying, there is inevitably always at least one poor anxiety-ridden and epi-pen wielding Allergy Mom in every class.
  5. The Child-Bringer – This person always brings their kids along, despite being told by the school repeatedly to leave them home. I know it’s often tough to get a sitter, and hey, I’ve been there a few times myself. But do you think that maybe you could ask your kid to quit whistling the theme song to Henry Hugglemonster while I’m trying to hear what to do in the event of a school lockdown? It’s just that it might be good to know that information one day, you know?
  6. The Bad Haircut – this person has a haircut so terrible that it’s literally distracting you from paying attention. Kate Gosselin called. She said she will trade you one of her kids for her hairdo back.
  7. The Blue Tooth – For some odd reason, this person feels the need to keep a blue tooth in their ear at all times. Are you listening to a book on tape or something? Seriously, like what’s the point? I don’t get it.  Doesn’t it bother your ear?
  8. The Stink Face – Forever looking as though they smell shit on their upper lip, this person probably couldn’t even be friendly to someone returning their lost dog. Unsurprisingly, Stink Face gave Allergy Mom the most revolting look ever when she heard that peanuts were a no-no in the classroom yesterday. Like sorry that keeping someone’s kid from going into anaphylactic shock and possibly dropping dead is an inconvenience to you, but you think you could keep the bitch face to yourself from now on?
  9. The Tattoo Guy – this person has a very large, very visible tattoo of their child’s name and birth date on his (or her) forearm. To be clear, tattoos are fine by me. But I am mentioning Tattoo Guy because I found it hilarious that he happened to be sitting next to the class birthday chart on the wall, which then caused me to nonchalantly cross-reference his tattoo with the name and date on the chart. It was totally the same date! Ha!
  10. The Dumb Question – This is the person who asks the dumb question at the end of the orientation even though the whole room is obviously dying to leave. If the school has labeled each child as either a “walker” or a “bus-rider,” then no, there is no third option for “gets driven home.” For real?? Enjoy wasting our time much?

It’s worth noting that some of the people on this list are one and the same. For example, the Head Shaker is the same person as Stink Face; the distracting bad haircut chick is also the person who sat directly in front of me; the Dumb Question also has the stupid blue tooth thingy in her ear. Basically, we can conclude that when people are annoying, they are usually annoying a multitude of ways.

So I’ve made it my business to point out those ways. And laugh. From a comfortable distance here behind my laptop. 😉

By the way, I have my first PTA meeting coming up so enjoy this post while it’s here.  It’s most likely getting deleted after I make my first “friend.”  If that actually happens, what with all this natural charm and charisma just oozing out of me…….