I really love it when people aren’t assholes.
Let’s face it, people are assholes ALL THE TIME. Everywhere you go, you find asshole people doing asshole things in all different kinds of asshole ways, and you think to yourself, “wow, what assholes.”
For example, when I’m trying to catch an elevator because I’m lugging around a stroller that, believe it or not, doesn’t come equipped with retractable legs for climbing stairs, and I’m suddenly cut off by a group of non-stroller-wielding, non-handicapped individuals, I’m like “holy shit, these people are a bunch of assholes.”
Or when I’m waiting for my son outside his school, and I look to my right and see a person parked in the yellow, school bus-loading zone and her gargantuan SUV is blocking actual school buses from parking there and letting children on, I think to myself “she’s quite the asshole.”
Or back when I was nine months pregnant in the supermarket, pushing a heavy shopping cart full of groceries and a screaming three-year-old, and someone practically threw themselves in front of me like a goddamn NFL linebacker in order to get in line first, I was like “yeesh, asshole city!”
It’s like the world’s population consists of just two kinds of people: assholes and non-assholes.
Once in a while, you get lucky and come upon the non-assholes. I like those days.
I like the days when when I walk into a shopping mall and someone jumps ahead to grab the door and open it for me and my awkward, bulky double-stroller. I like when I’m at the pediatrician’s office and I’m checked in by the sweet receptionist who smiles at my kids and offers them SpongeBob and Dora stickers, instead of by the miserable teenager who clearly hates her job and sneers at my babies like the spawn of Satan that she is.
I like when I’m driving and people kindly let me merge into their lane when mine is closing, instead of slamming on the gas like Speedy Gonzalez with a drivers license just to not let me in for NO REASON AT ALL. There’s a special spot in hell for those kinds of assholes, by the way.
I liked it when I used to commute to work on an express bus and a person would get a call on their cell phone, and they would speak in a low whisper or, even better, hang up and promise to call back when they got off the bus.
I like the words “thank you.” I love to hear them and I don’t think people say them nearly enough. It’s such a simple phrase, yet I can’t count how many doors I’ve held open, how many cars I’ve let go ahead of me, how many sneezing strangers I’ve blessed, without receiving even the simplest form of gratitude. It’s truly mind-boggling.
I also enjoy the words “excuse me.” They are, incidentally, very simple to say. Assholes of the world, please try saying them with me. It won’t take more than a moment. “Excuse me.” There. You assholes CAN say it. So the next time you feel like charging onto the subway like a fucking bull in a china shop, try uttering that very simple phrase instead of proceeding to be the animal that you are. I lost a shoe on some train tracks in Brooklyn a few years ago on my way to work because of an asshole like you, and I will never get over it. Yes, seriously. That happened to me. Stupid asshole kicked it right off my foot. Not my best day.
Sometimes it seems like there aren’t any nice people left in the world. Some days you just encounter one asshole after another, and you’re so fed up with the assholes around you that you think you may, someday soon, just turn into one yourself. Maybe that’s how the world ended up with so many assholes in the first place.
But please don’t ever do that. Please don’t ever become an asshole. You’ll be letting the assholes win and you must NEVER LET THE ASSHOLES WIN.
Where is Larry David when you need him??
Believe it or not, my goal today is not to spread my disdain for those eternally plagued by asshole disease. Such people are disliked widely enough all on their own without any of my help . My goal is actually to celebrate the wonderful people among us who are not assholes AT ALL. It is to give thanks to those who go about their day, every day, with no intention whatsoever of unleashing deliberate grief or anguish upon a single person they come across.
I wish to express my appreciation for those who always keep their nasty comments to themselves, who often go out of their way to make brighter the day of the people around them, who will express their own gratitude toward others who have been decent to them as well, and who never fail to follow the most basic, childhood lesson in morality that a shockingly large number of people seem to have long forgotten: always treat others the same way that you, yourself, wish to be treated.
I want to use my blogging platform today to give a big, hearty THANK YOU to the NICE people of the world. Your kindness, manners, and general awesomeness does not go unnoticed by everyone (contrary to how it often may feel).
And as for the rest of you? Please stop being such assholes.
You know who you are 😉