Kindergarten Basics for Moms

Well, Mommies. It’s happened. The kids are FINALLY back in school getting their ABC’s and 123’s on. Can I get a WOO-freaking-HOO????

You and I may have finished elementary school last century (literally, for most of us) but I thought I’d have a little fun taking us back to kindergarten today with a new perspective on the stuff our little ones are learning in school right now. Feel free to really get in the spirit by draining out half of a juice box and funneling in some vodka before you read on. It’s fun!

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Disclaimer: You won’t learn anything from me. You probably never will.

First, let’s learn our colors!

Red: The color you see when you’ve gone out for dinner with your friends (for the first time in six months) and come home at 10 p.m. to find your husband on the couch watching Terminator 3 with your four-year-old son, who, like his little sister, is still wide awake, fully clothed, and filthy. Oh, and the remnants of the dinner you set out on the table for everyone five hours ago are still sitting on the table, congealed leftovers and all.

Blue: The way you feel when you realize it’ll probably be another six months before you go out with your friends again.

Green: The color on your face after you leave the bathroom for thirty seconds during bathtime and come back to find a trail of turds floating around in the tub—and your daughter splashing around with them like they’re her new bath toys.

Yellow: The color leaking through your freshly-changed newborn’s diaper onto the pair of pants you just put him in for the first (and last) time, indicating that he needs another change—and bath—ASAP.

Next, we’ll do numbers!

Number 1 – This is the number of birth control pills you have to forget to take before you end up getting prematurely pregnant in your early twenties while still living with your parents and making enough money to qualify for food stamps.

Number 2 – This is the number of bites your daughter usually takes of her dinner before she tosses it over the side of her highchair.

Number 3 – This is the number of back-to-back episodes of Bubble Guppies your child watches every time your mom, sister, or best friend calls to chitchat on the phone.

Number 4 – This is how many times you have to tell your son to get dressed in the morning for school before he actually does it.

Number 5 – This is the number of times per night you get up to pee when you are pregnant. Also the minimum number of meals you eat in a day when pregnant.

Moving on to shapes!

Circle – This is the shape of the tambourine your son threw across the living room that hit your husband in the face and gave him a fat lip (which was kind of funny, although hubby didn’t think so).

Square – This is the shape of the pillows on the couch that serve no purpose except on rainy days to help build forts that you are praying the kids will stay inside of all day long.

Rectangle – This is the shape of the television that you swear to your pediatrician your kids never watch, but that in actuality brings a great amount of joy to every member of your family.

Star – This is the shape of those little pasta things you feed to your kids when they are babies that they spend five seconds eating (or spitting out) and that you then spend five hours cleaning up because the damn things are all over the house.

Diamond – This is the shape of the ridiculous rock on that bitch’s finger who gave you a dirty look when you picked up your son from school today because your two-year-old daughter accidentally stepped on her stupid, fancy Louboutins. Seriously, it’s kindergarten dismissal. Not Fashion Week at Bryant Park.

I was planning to do letters next but I think I’ve had a few too many “juice boxes.” Guess we’ll save that for another lesson.

Class dismissed!

It’s Never Too Early to Be Annoyed By the Other Parents at School

Sitting in my son’s new classroom yesterday, my butt wedged into a tiny wooden chair designed for either a five year old or an oompaloompa, I found my mind wandering a little during the kindergarten orientation. I have a habit of people watching, and the habit was distracting me from giving Little M’s teacher my full attention.

But only a little bit! I swear I heard like 97% of what the teacher said. Teachers, please don’t kill me.

So I sat in the classroom with about twenty other people, and I chuckled to myself when I realized that I was officially part of a quintessential group of grade school parents. Some with notoriously annoying habits; a few standing out for other reasons; and still others (like me) just kind of blending in. Here are a few examples:

  1. The Head Shaker– this person shakes his or her head in sheer disgust at every word the teacher says. What? I have to pack TWO snacks per day? And put them OUTSIDE the lunchbox? Unbelievable.
  2. The Teacher – No, not your child’s teacher. This person is hell bent on ensuring that everyone, the teacher in particular, is aware that he or she also is a teacher. Look at me! I’m a teacher too! Yes, me! I know how the teacher feels!! I’m a teacher toooooooo! We get the picture, and teachers are truly wonderful people. But right now, you are a parent like the rest of us poor schmucks. Sit down.
  3. The Bad Seat Chooser – this person always feels the obnoxious need to unnecessarily sit directly in front of you, thus causing you to contort your neck uncomfortably in order to be able to see. He or she might also be partially blind, or else they would have noticed the FOUR other empty seats not directly in front of anyone they could have selected instead.
  4. The Allergy Mom – This person’s child is allergic to everything. Honestly, not judging here. Just observing. I can’t imagine what a pain in the ass it must be. Seriously I’m quite grateful that so far I’ve had no allergy issues with my kids. Just saying, there is inevitably always at least one poor anxiety-ridden and epi-pen wielding Allergy Mom in every class.
  5. The Child-Bringer – This person always brings their kids along, despite being told by the school repeatedly to leave them home. I know it’s often tough to get a sitter, and hey, I’ve been there a few times myself. But do you think that maybe you could ask your kid to quit whistling the theme song to Henry Hugglemonster while I’m trying to hear what to do in the event of a school lockdown? It’s just that it might be good to know that information one day, you know?
  6. The Bad Haircut – this person has a haircut so terrible that it’s literally distracting you from paying attention. Kate Gosselin called. She said she will trade you one of her kids for her hairdo back.
  7. The Blue Tooth – For some odd reason, this person feels the need to keep a blue tooth in their ear at all times. Are you listening to a book on tape or something? Seriously, like what’s the point? I don’t get it.  Doesn’t it bother your ear?
  8. The Stink Face – Forever looking as though they smell shit on their upper lip, this person probably couldn’t even be friendly to someone returning their lost dog. Unsurprisingly, Stink Face gave Allergy Mom the most revolting look ever when she heard that peanuts were a no-no in the classroom yesterday. Like sorry that keeping someone’s kid from going into anaphylactic shock and possibly dropping dead is an inconvenience to you, but you think you could keep the bitch face to yourself from now on?
  9. The Tattoo Guy – this person has a very large, very visible tattoo of their child’s name and birth date on his (or her) forearm. To be clear, tattoos are fine by me. But I am mentioning Tattoo Guy because I found it hilarious that he happened to be sitting next to the class birthday chart on the wall, which then caused me to nonchalantly cross-reference his tattoo with the name and date on the chart. It was totally the same date! Ha!
  10. The Dumb Question – This is the person who asks the dumb question at the end of the orientation even though the whole room is obviously dying to leave. If the school has labeled each child as either a “walker” or a “bus-rider,” then no, there is no third option for “gets driven home.” For real?? Enjoy wasting our time much?

It’s worth noting that some of the people on this list are one and the same. For example, the Head Shaker is the same person as Stink Face; the distracting bad haircut chick is also the person who sat directly in front of me; the Dumb Question also has the stupid blue tooth thingy in her ear. Basically, we can conclude that when people are annoying, they are usually annoying a multitude of ways.

So I’ve made it my business to point out those ways. And laugh. From a comfortable distance here behind my laptop. 😉

By the way, I have my first PTA meeting coming up so enjoy this post while it’s here.  It’s most likely getting deleted after I make my first “friend.”  If that actually happens, what with all this natural charm and charisma just oozing out of me…….