Hockey Basics for Parents

I will start off this entry by openly admitting that I’m not AT ALL a big sport person.  I don’t play and rarely watch anything sports-related.  However, I make an exception for one sport and one sport only: hockey. And if you currently have a pulse and live anywhere near New York, then you know our Rangers are vying for their chance at the Stanley Cup for the first time since ’94.

Oh, 1994. I’ll never forget when they won that year.  Overjoyed fans everywhere took to the streets, cheering, screaming, and celebrating. Horns blared and sirens sounded–the world around me seemingly erupted into a cascading sea of red, white and royal blue.  It was unforgettable. I was just eleven years old and I didn’t know much about hockey, but I knew that something pretty damn huge happened that day.  And I’m ready to see it happen again, now twenty years later.

Unfortunately, the LA Kings are currently leading the series. Tonight could be the end for our boys in blue.  But sometimes you gotta have a little faith, right?  Here at Highchairs and Headaches, there’s enough to go around.  Maybe I can even bring them a little extra luck.

This blog entry is dedicated to my brother, who is definitely the biggest Ranger fan I know.  This is for him, not just because he proofread the whole thing to keep me from sounding like an idiot, but moreso because he single-handedly helped mold me into the Ranger fan I am today.  And if they win, I’m pretty sure he’ll be so excited that he’ll buy my kids their own Ranger jerseys so they can stop stealing mine.  Hint, hint.

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Now, this is not exactly ESPN, so don’t think I’ve suddenly switched gears on you. I won’t be getting very technical, nor will I start talking about players or other teams (but feel free to leave a comment letting me know if you agree that Henrik Lundqvist is one of the hottest men in sports…or alive).   There’s a good chance that many of you reading this don’t even understand the rules of hockey. And if so, thanks for sticking with me. In my opinion, most sports are way too complicated.  But hockey doesn’t have to be.  Why, you ask?  Because, my fellow moms and dads,  it has finally been put in terms you can understand!

Below is a list of common hockey terms, translated into a language that anyone with children will easily understand.  Read on, soak up some hockey knowledge, and then watch the Rangers kick some King ass tonight!  LGR!

Icing – when you trip over a Lego and it goes flying across the kitchen, through the dining room and ends up in the living room.

Off Sides – when you trip over a Lego and YOU go flying across the kitchen, through the dining room, and end up in the living room.

Face-Off – when there are two hungry kids but only one chicken nugget left.

Body Check – action taken by a child against their parent after witnessing the parent attempt to dispose of a broken toy.

Penalty Box – where your child is likely to end up after that body check.

Attacking Zone – any area outside your child’s room after bedtime.

Zamboni – like the vacuum cleaner, if it were on ice.  And drivable. And had a really cool name.

Breakaway – when your child gets out of his own bed and makes a quick beeline for yours.

Neutral Zone or Center Ice – the area where the most Nickelodeon shows are watched and the most toys are usually strewn about. Often referred to as the living room.

Fighting – every other minute of your life since your second child learned to steal toys from your first child.

Hat Trick – when a potty training child pees on the couch for the third time in the same day.

Minor Penalty – when your kid drops his crayons in the toilet.

Major Penalty – when your kid drops an f-bomb in the supermarket.

Roughing – typically ensues once a player loses the chicken nugget face-off.

Overtime – when your child is up after his bedtime.

Sudden Death – when your child is up after YOUR bedtime, and it’s a battle to see who closes their eyes first.  Note: parents never win in sudden death.

Interference – when you’re trying to give medicine to your sick child and she slaps it out of your hand before it reaches her face.

Power Play – when one kid is in timeout and his sister hears the ice cream man coming……

Shorthanded Goal –  …..and she gets her ice cream but her brother gets nothing.  I know, that would be pretty mean of mom or dad.  But you don’t win a game of hockey by being nice.  And you don’t win at parenting that way, either.

Misconduct- when your child commits an offense punishable by at least one week without TV and/or dessert.

Tripping –self-explanatory.  See here for more info on the worst “trip” I ever took.

Butt-Ending – Basically, this is just getting poked with a stick. Kind of how you ended up with kids in the first place.

And that concludes our hockey lesson.  It also concludes any discussion of sports on this blog, pretty much ever again.

LET’S GO RANGERS!

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3 thoughts on “Hockey Basics for Parents

  1. You are so clever and humorous and honest! I just love it when Highchairs scrolls across my Reader. I’m not a pro hockey fan, but Hell Yeah, Go Rangers!!!

    PS i met you through Stay at Home Fodder and featured him in my shout out to Dad bloggers in my post today. He’s been pretty quiet on the blogging scene lately; am hoping he’ll hop back in 🙂

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