Have you ever met someone who was just so vile that you immediately pictured giving him a roundhouse kick to the jaw just to shut him up?
I had the misfortune of crossing paths with such a disgusting person recently.
To call him a person is giving more credit than is due. A more accurate description might be: a rude, arrogant, condescending, self-serving, all-around gigantic dickwad.
He was like the shitty guy who Drew Barrymore is engaged to in The Wedding Singer. Like you just look at his face and the word “douchelord” automatically pops up in your head, and you really just wish someone would violently mow him down with a drink cart on an airplane while Adam Sandler serenades all of the coach passengers with a syrupy sweet love song about growing old with you.
But I digress.
So this fuckhead guy I met obviously really pissed me off. I can’t tell you exactly why because I need to keep at least a small fraction of my life non-internet-searchable, but that doesn’t really matter. Because we all know assmunches like this dude, so just go ahead and mentally replace my assmunch with an assmunch of your own choosing (I’m confident you know a few) and we can proceed.
This guy was so insanely wretched, in fact, that prior to writing this entry I actually googled some juicy vocabulary words I could use to adequately depict my utter repugnance for this man. Yes, “repugnance” is one of them.
A few others include (but are absolutely not limited to): abhorrent, revolting, detestable, unpalatable, loathsome, foul, objectionable, appalling, intolerable, deplorable, heinous, monstrous, horrid, despicable, iniquitous, and unforgivable.
Just to name a few.
At times like this I’m just so happy to have this blog. Because now that he’s aggravated me to the point of my taking to my laptop in anger, I can have my own awesome version of revenge. Now I get to call him out on being an enormous douchelord, and I can tell the whole damn world (ok, my 2.5 adoring fans) what a horrible human being this man is and they will all despise him right there along with me. And why, you ask? Because he sucks and I’m not sucky like him. And my 2.5 adoring fans are also not sucky either.
He will surely never have a clue that I wrote about him. Even if he did read this blog entry, he’s such an arrogant prick that he probably wouldn’t even suspect that he’s the subject of such immense disdain. Kind of like the lyrics “you’re so vein you probably think this song is about you,” but the exact opposite.
Nope, he’ll never see this. But that doesn’t change the fact that he is such an epic fuckhead that someone in this world found him loathsome enough to literally dedicate an entire blog post calling him out on it.
Man, there is just SO much satisfaction in that. I think I love my blog as much as I hate that guy.
I wish this whole rant was going somewhere, but it’s really not. I started it mostly to vent, and I’m just going to finish it the same way. Sorry if you expected more. I kind of hope you loathe someone equally as horrid and sympathize with me, and thus completely understand my somewhat pointless rant.
So in closing, I have a message for you, Mr. Stupidface, on behalf of pretty much everyone you’ve ever met in your whole life:
FUCK YOU. FUUUUUUUUCK YOU.
I hope you get stuck in traffic on your way into work tomorrow, then get rear-ended by a giant scary tractor trailer on the expressway because you were suddenly distracted when your cell phone rang—which happened to be your doctor calling to tell you that they lost the results to your colonoscopy and you have to take it all over again. And then you get fired.